I don’t keep a journal, but I keep a calendar. Beyond the usual scheduling of dinners with friends, doctors’ appointments, weekend trips and weddings, I kept track of significant dates too: the Japan earthquake, the day I finished a book, the sad day of a friend passing, a first kiss.

When I look back at my year and the memories from my calendar, I laugh and become nostalgic because I think it has been a really good year. I love to see the days and miles that I ran preparing for my half marathon, the weeks spent in Paris and New York, the dates with a boy, the long weekends spent with best friends and the most impulsive day that I went to Disneyland on a Wednesday night after work and came back on Friday to work. Many things were planned while a lot was unexpected, but with all that has happened this year, I did #makeithappen.

In 2012, I anticipate a greater learning curve. While I fear comfort and complacency, I will still be at the same job and the same residence this year. Graduating from college three years ago, I wondered what it would be like to settle in a town, call it home and truly believe that it was home. I had been living year-by-year, enjoying the transient traveled life and believed I would continue this life for many years. But I feel that age fading and maybe that comes with growing up. Sometimes I yearn for the freedoms of a nomadic life again, but there is confidence, happiness and peace in finding a home.

As much as I loved 2011 and am excited about 2012, Whatever It Takes will keep me grounded. It is not my typical merry motto, but a more realistic approach of fighting against a pacified life, the hurdles that may be faced when feeling complacent or being overanalytical and dissatisfied with a situation. It is about endurance, making it work and doing whatever it takes to make something better, to make something positive. Work may get dull and living with your eighty-something roommates may not always be easy, but I can be thankful that I have a great job and enjoy the people I work with and I can be grateful that I get to know and love my grandparents that much more. Whatever It Takes is that one extra push that we may need to get through another exam, another pay check, another day.

For your motto or mine, let it be yours and let it be your year.

Happy New Year 2012.

One of girls called me last week and told me that she just met one of her close guy-friends’ girlfriend and she didn’t connect with the girlfriend as much as she wanted or expected. This is an easy assumption: if you love one of your close friends, you want to love the person that they are dating. Granted that this was only one encounter and under the circumstances, it was not ideal, but my friend and I came to a realization. As much as we hope and imagine that we will love our friends’ boyfriends and girlfriends, more than half the time we are not going to like who are friends are dating.  Friend groups are filled with different personalities and it takes time to love your friends for who they are. So it would make sense that with each one of us having different personalities and preferences, our boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends/wives will also have different personalities and perhaps ones that we are not too fond of.

I think for most, it is important to find someone that gets a long with family and friends, but it is hard to please everyone. We are not in college anymore and the farther we live a part and lead separate lives, the more likely we won’t know the people who are friends are dating or marrying. And I don’t think we realize that we may not like our friends choices and it will be hard to do anything about it. As much as we have learned to love each other as friends, we will have to learn to love each other’s significant others. We hope that we aren’t a different person to our significant other and a different person with our friends, but to some extent we will be because that significant other gets to know you differently and in different circumstances. I just hope you’re not in a Jekyll/Hyde situation either. And as long as the significant other is not a harm to the friend, we have to do our best to accept and love them. It’s not always a fun thing to do, but really, what can we do?

Another one of our girls (and our only one) married a boy in our friend group and we are very lucky to like him and know him well. In part, they have set an expectation of how husband/friends relationships should be. But most likely those relationships won’t be as easy and great, and I don’t think my girls have necessarily considered this yet. We’re more excited about our boyfriends/husbands getting along like we do and yet, we may find outselves in a more different (and slightly awkward) situation.

It obviously becomes a topic of girlfriend conversation, but I always say that we may often think about it, but it’s something that we never really yearn for. Ask me again in ten years and then I’m sure I’ll be yearning.

I’ve read a couple of relationship books, which some family members think that it is because I’ve got the itch, but I don’t. They give me funny flack once in a while, but I just keep telling them it was research, and it was. In case you are interested: Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate by Patti Stanger and Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. I am totally recommending Lori Gottlieb’s book, especially if you’re under 35 (I loved it so much that I bought it and have passed it along to several friends).  It’s a more intellectual and study-based and just gives a real good reminder of what our expectations are and what they actually should be for a really great companionship.  Learn from her mistakes.

My parents have mentioned a couple of guys, always leading the conversation with so and so is such a ”nice young man.”  Total giveaway.  Thanks Mom and Dad. (#trueconfession It may have gently passed my mind, but let’s not push it)

Ms. Patti Stanger

A coworker still looking for love swears by this book, even believes she would still be with her last boyfriend if she had taken the advice from Patti Stanger prior to her breakup.  In the book from the television reality star of Million Dollar Matchmaker, Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate, Patti Stanger offers good and straight-to-the-point advice about finding a mate. If you have ever seen her television show at least once, you get the jist of who she is and she is exactly that in her book.  And I love it.  The confirmation we seek from our best girl friends may help our confidence, but sometimes we need an outsider to give us a reality check and that extra little kick.  Stanger instills a different kind of confidence to her readers and if you follow her eight steps, you should be able to find yourself ” in a committed, monogamous relationship with Mr. Right in less than a year.”  Yay or nay depending on your needs, but let’s just say that I’m not that eager.  But still, Stanger has a lot of great words that focus on more than just finding the right man, but also creating a confident and strong women before she gives herself to someone else.

And that’s my favorite part of the book.  Women often find themselves scared and unsure about dating in general, let alone finding a husband, and this book gives women the self-assurance that they have the goods to be a great person and a great partner.  Stanger’s words may be things we have heard time and time again, ensuring our happiness and health comes first, but they’re good reminders and good positive reinforcers since men see those qualities reflected in dateable and marriageable women.  During this preparation period as we hope to meet that perfect guy, Stanger encourages that while we can have anyone we want, we also need to be realistic and not so picky with the our list of “non-negotiables.” Too many women have passed up too many good men just because the guy had crooked teeth or scratched his head too much when their best qualities of being a good provider and a promising father may be overlooked.  The little things shouldn’t be deal-breakers.  And once we’re good and ready, Stanger sends us out into the field where viable men gather, teaches us how to “qualify the buyer” to make sure he has the qualities to be a keeper, and keeping him till the ring is on that finger.  She provides encouragement and warning signs of when a relationship is moving too fast or too slow, when a man is committed and when he’s not.

Stanger’s words can be really great, but for me, I have to take them with a grain of salt.  It can be a little intimidating and somewhat desperate to think that it is that easy to find a husband in 278 pages.  Maybe that’s a younger age mentality, but it was a good read and good insight for real world dating.  From beginning to end, Patti Stanger tells it like-it-is and whatever age one may be, this book can give you what you need to get yourself out there and be a confident woman.  It can be scary and it can be fun, but we only have to give a little to get a lot.

When I choose a motto for the new year, I think of how I can be a better person.  I believed the college-me was going to be the rest-of-my-life-me, but luckily it is not the end of who I am.  We continue to learn new things and are challenged of who we need to be.  These mottos push me to do things that I wouldn’t do because I am too lazy, too busy, too comfortable.  Being an introvert gives me an excuse to be by myself and to do nothing.  A lot of the time I like nothing, but life offers us too many opportunities to be more than passive shadows.  Over the past five years I have continued this tradition of change, lasting friendships, and new experiences to keep me accountable of becoming a better me.

My mottos are motivators, not necessarily something that needs to be “completed,” but this year feels complete.  I am truly thankful for NewPlaces NewFaces 2010.  I never thought that the year would live up to its name, but it exceeded my expectations.  This year was the mark of my transition into the working world, but it was also a season of new friends and a new relationship, new places travelled and new places to be present.  I never thought I would go to Thailand and be tested by my faith and my academics.  I never thought I would be working at a law firm.  I never thought I would go to China to understand my history and to meet family I had never met.  I never thought I would still be connected to great friends and be in a loving and caring community.

With its triumphs there have been trials, as challenges and questions were faced with reality and tears.  And with the never ending search for answers to our future, where to be next, what to do next, this is the year to make it happen.  It is a year of making decisions and following them through, whether it is going back to school, organizing a hike on a Saturday, to volunteering more regularly, or planning a trip to India.  Make It Happen 2011. I am the person who likes to leave early from a party or half commits to things because it takes too much effort to do.  I want that part of me back that is spontaneous, loves the outdoors, and searches for places to explore.  I want that part of me that lives simply and gives time to greater things other than to myself.  As much fun as I hope this year brings, I know it will be filled with many challenges, deadlines, and decisions.  To today and the many tomorrows, may we do our best.

For your motto or mine, let it be yours and let it be your year.

Happy New Year.

I cannot promise a full recovery of consistent blogging of new ideas and topics. I started this blog because I was holding a bunch of ideas and conversations in my head knowing that it would be worth discussing and just having them down on “paper.” I thought if my friends and I were talking about these things, then other people were probably talking about them too. But right now and eight months ago, I felt like I maxed out. I know there are more mysteries and problems of friendships and relationships, but as I have grown throughout the last couple of years, I am not dealing with as many of these issues anymore. My life was taken care of when I was in college and I had room to think about dating and love, but now that I’m a mid-twenysomething, I am not only trying to figure out my love life, but my life in general (it’s something they don’t warn you when you’re young or coming out of college). I know there are many other relationship topics that still linger out there, but there is a lot that I do not come in contact with, which is probably why I haven’t written about it. I do have a couple of ideas in this weathered brain, but if you have any ideas this season, please share. This blog may be less constricted to just relationships, but will be in transition of words of growth and understanding of who you want to be.

your friend, Jennifer

I used to implement BoyMonday for one of my girlfriends. While I lived in Paris and even in Fresno, we spent many hours over videochat trying to analyze how friendships and relationships worked (and in part, that is how this blog came to be).  Why did we do the things we do, why did we react to that, why do we have these feelings or how do you make them go away?

I enforced BoyMonday because in truth, we were just talking about boys too much.  A lot of girls talk about boys too much.  I wasn’t annoyed that we were talking about boys, but the fact that it was only boys, when knowing we had a lot of others things we could talk about.  Sometimes we would be talking about something else, but then quickly tangent or make it relateable to a relationship we had with a boy.  So by capping boy talk, it made our conversations more well-rounded.  While our lives crave to find our significant other and to find love, our lives are also filled with friends, family, jobs, and things we like to do.  So with the first reason being our lives are more than just the opposite sex, here is the other big reason:

This is what girls do best:  When we like someone, we run in circles over analyzing our interactions and cannot stop thinking about them.  We dream of more ‘accidental’ meet ups, the next conversations, the anticipated hang-outs.  We love it, but we are dying inside wondering what you are thinking on the other side. As we try to process everything on our own, we eventually open up to our girlfriends.  We go to our girlfriends to confirm our likings, to encourage us to keep liking that special boy. But by going to our girlfriends, by talking about him out loud, we convince ourselves to like that boy even more.  If our girlfriends say it is ok, then it has to be ok.  But that makes me nervous, because we never know if the boy likes our girl.  : / And the uncertainty is still uncertainty.

I guess I have been in more situations where girl is trying to get over a guy and by still talking about it, it still feeds into the notion that there is hope.  Hope keeps girls running for a long time.  We never give it up until, really, you’re married.  Ok, that may seem a little scary jumping the gun a bit and may be slightly offensive, but girls do not just toss boys away so freely as they think they do.  I know I am being janky-Jen (think negative-Nancy) by not being hopeful or encouraging right now, but a staple of my life: realism.  So really,  bottom line: Don’t feed girls.

And before I leave the country for a couple of weeks, here is to K.Klopman.  We love our Boys Boys Boys!

I have dated and have liked boys of different ethnicities, but have found that it is easier to date someone Asian. He doesn’t have to be Chinese, but under the politically correct bubble of Asian/Pacific Islander group: Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Indian, Filipino, Vietnamese… it can be remarkably easier.  It is for the same reasons why you see a lot of Asian people hanging out with just Asian people or why you see Blacks hanging out with just other Blacks. It’s a background thing.

The way we were brought up and the traditions and cultures that we celebrate make us who we are and makes it easier to bond with others that share those same experiences. There are certain cultural obligations and understandings that justify our actions and beliefs.  To have a partner that understands what you do and why you do it is a comforting security.  I know I could not list or identify certain things I do that make me Chinese, but how does one recognize all stereotypes of their race and ethnicity if we are the ones who live them out? I am not negating that I am American, but I just do not want my Chinese side to be left out.

Ask your Chinese friends...maybe Japanese too...(taken in 2004 with R.S.Olson)

I know that friends want to understand and appreciate my background, but it is different to have to explain and show someone my culture than to actually be in it.  Someone of a different ethnicity may try to understand certain notions and even accept them, but sometimes I do not know if it is enough.  And maybe that is saying that I am not giving a chance to potential partners or friends by letting them in, but I have seen some Caucasian (typically) family members and friends sometimes feel left out or uncomfortable at an event or gathering full of Asians.  Are we that intimidating?  Maybe each situation is circumstantial, but I do not want my significant other to feel different or uncomfortable by the foods we eat, the celebrations, or my friends and family.  And maybe whoever he is, won’t feel uncomfortable and love everything that is me, that is Chinese, but maybe not a “yellow fever” man?  :/

It may seem like I have just closed the books to all races other than my own, but I am very open to dating anyone of any background.  This is just one variable or if I must say it, dealmaker that would make someone more attractive to me.  Someone’s ethnicity or race will not stop me from liking someone or dating them either because there are a lot of other great things about a person than just the color of their skin.  We both know that.  The concept of interracial dating has always been something I have questioned in regards of it being ok.  I know it is ok, but growing up I was not always told that I could date, let alone marry someone not Asian.  Being who I am and who I represent is important to me, but I know I can make choices and love who I want to love.

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I love race relations.  I studied Anthropology in college for the sole purpose of learning about race relations in my life and around the world.  I have to be open about who I am and where I came from, but a lot of it has been challenging because my life is very compartmentalized between my Asian friends and my White friends.  I love neither more nor less, but they are distinctly different.  I could write a pamphlet about my life as an Asian American and maybe one day I should. I am sorry if I come across hostile or defensive.  It is because I defending what I believe and what I have lived and those who disagree may not have viable experience to say what I say is untrue.

There are two different lists that girls make:
1.  At the beginning when she wants to check if he is date-able.
2. In the middle when she wants to check if he is marriage-able.

I like to call the date-able lists, “nervous lists” because these are the things you put on the list if you are not really sure if you want to date him.  These lists are bad because they are almost pre-judgements of someone that you barely know.  And even if you do know someone fairly well, it is different in dating context.  As you get to know someone you kind of like or like a lot, you start finding out little things about the other person that you also dislike and then start creating those lists of reasons not to like them or pursue them.  But that is what dating is for.  You date to find out more about the other person.  The little that you know may have a greater and deeper explanation for what you judged them for in the first place. — I am definitely fallable when it comes to these first lists, because part of me believes that if I am not sure about these certain things from the beginning, I may still be attached to these things later.  And to avoid the mess, I avoid the boy.

a boyfriend list

If date-able lists are not so great, marriage-able lists are worse.  Marriage-able lists are the, Ok, we’re doing this, now lets see what I can do to make him better.  What were small expecations at the beginning, have turned into either bigger expectations or changes you want to see in him.  Girls may claim they aren’t those girls that change a man, but most want man changers.   Some guys know when girls are holding lists of them, hoping that they wear better clothes, have bigger aspirations, more suitable manners, or be more romantic.  And some guys do change, but not necessarily because of your explicit suggestions.  Some guys change because you are a good influence and support to them and they see the change in themselves, but they change because they want to, not because you asked them to.  When you are in a relationship, compromises and sacrifices have to be made, but to be made together as a couple.

While some relationships falter, others thrive, regardless of the lists.  I guess one could say that it is necessary because without them, we would date anyone regardless of their standards, personality, or background.  Lists can sometimes help figure out what you want in a certain guy, which can be a good thing.

I still hate the lists, but every boy doesn’t have a list.  For boys I really like, there isn’t a list.