Friend to FriendFriend

by request from M.Ratanasen.

QUESTION: What do you do when you start liking a good friend and how do you tell them?

I have been asked this question to post a few other times by friends, but never knew how to classify it.  M.Ratanasen gave the terms to the infamous situation, which then gave me the push to write this post.  This is one of the most complicated questions and situations within relationships and to tell you the truth, after the research and talking to friends, I still do not think I have an answer. ::The sighs of discontent:: The best I could do, the best I could think of, was to give you the theoreticals of what should happen, but then to tell you what really happens.  This is one of the longer posts, but I guess a lot needed to be said.

Both of these definitions can be used interchangeably between sexes, but the terms were more gender specific when I researched them.  These are just the basics of the definitions.  There are other blogs, long spew of blogs, that are dedicated to the definition alone.  Guys seem to fall victim in most both cases, but oh for sure, girls do too.

FRIENDSHIP ZONE:
Defined by the television show Friends and the film Just Friends: when a guy starts to become romantically interested in a girl, but she only thinks of him as a friend.

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LADDER THEORY:
Most guys have one ladder where they rank or pool their women. Girls have two ladders where one is the “potential” ladder of boys to date and the other is a “friends” only ladder believing that once you are on the friend ladder you can never get off and never date that friend you want to date.

Ladder theory

So how did you get into that zone? You became friends.

Could you have done it any other way? Probably not. Or you probably would have been labeled a sleaze/icky girl.

The basics of friendships are typically based on commonalities and interests. And when more interests intersect, the closer knit friendships become, regardless if it is between the same sex or between a boy and a girl. But this is the tricky part and where I stand on the whole (and very proud) friendship graph /to-be-or-not-to-be posts, eventually one will fall for the other.

I used to be a firm advocate on dating friends because friends get to know each other without the things that people try to hide on real world dates.  There is less pressure and different expectations in a developing friendship than a developing relationship.  You get to know the person as they are, how they are with their friends, how they react to certain situations, find out those little habits that they do when they think that no one is watching.  It is almost as if you get to fall in love before falling in love.  Sounds pretty great to have someone love you as you are.  Damn, that sounds real good. — Thus, we fall in like/love with our friends because we love who they are [swoooon].

On the other side of the dating spectrum, on real world dates, you get to start anew. It is refreshing and exciting to meet a new person and to start all over. Sure it might be scary, but the whole game and mystery is half the fun of dating!  I still love the concept of falling in love and believe that it is still best to fall in love with a friend, but the great cynic is shouting, Why were you not attracted me two years ago when we first met?! How come it took you two years to finally find me attractive?! – Am I being fair?

But with that said, I would like to think that if most friendships are truly based on real friendships, meaning that if you started liking a good friend, you probably did start out as “just friends,” without the motive of getting to know them because you really wanted to date them.

Anyway, back to the mess…I like my friend.  So once you have decided to tell your friend that you want to date them, you are admitting to this confession…

* You are basically saying that you are willing to risk our friendship and once you tell me, things may not ever be the same (for better or for worse).
* You are basically saying that its now or never, if I cannot have you now, then I can never have you. It is better to try to have to you than to have never have tried at all.
* You probably don’t want to just hook up with me, you probably want to date me.
**A good question to consider when you tell him/her: why do you want to date her/him? Why now?

Thus, if you decide to move forward, the simple answer to the original question: What do you do when you start liking a good friend and how do you tell them? ANSWER: You tell them.

LAAAAAAAAME. Who does that?!  That doesn’t always happen and for sure, it doesn’t always work.  It sounds so much better in theory to tell someone you like them.  Sounds easy.  But when it comes down to it, it is too hard!!  And definitely harder for girls than for guys, almost impossible for girls.  All those unstoppable butterflies and whooshes!  The possible rejection, the loss of a friend.   Of course there are more tactful ways in telling that person instead of just blurting it out.  Although, it seems easiest to just say it instead of running around the bush a few hundred times.

What makes this all hard is the pride and risk involved.  Pride is a given element in dating, but this risk can be a choice.  Is telling this person worth the risk?  It is — especially when you know you will lose them either way.  The friendship that you have now cannot last forever.  If they find someone else, your relationship will change and the attention spent on your friendship will lose that thing that you love about it.  Once they find someone else, you have to start to let go.  And the other lose part, you tell them and you do not get the reaction you wanted.  I know it is a pretty pessimistic view of it all, being a possible lose/lose situation, but looking at it realistically, it can be true too.  So wouldn’t it be better to know anything! than to wonder forever?

So when you tell them, if you tell them here is what can happen:

1. You tell them, they say yes, done. Make out.

From Gilmore Girls when long time friends Luke and Lorelei start dating and kissing.

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2. You tell them, they say no, done. Not done! I wouldn’t give up so easily.  Again, easy in theory.  If you get turned down, state your case.  Why do you think you two should date?  Just because you may have been sitting on that friendship ladder all these years doesn’t mean you cannot be moved over.  When people first reject someone, they probably haven’t really given much thought to liking you like that.  The rejection can be a low blow to your confidence, but give them a chance too.  You have to give them time as well.  It is always easier as friends and to stay behind friend barriers, but since someone is changing the course, you have to let the other person catch up.  Without these friendships our friendships would be one-sided, our worlds would be pretty different if we had no friends of the opposite sex.  I guess could save us a lot of everything, but come on! how can you live without them?

But in the case that it really does not work out, please try to stay friends.  I believe it is totally possible.  It takes healing in different ways and the relationship, but a friendship has history and good history at that.  The friendship will change, it will have to change. The things you share with another cannot be as intimate anymore because you got into this situation because you probably shared too much and spent too much time with each other.  It is sad to have to give that all up, but boundaries have to be made.  It can be normal and it can still be fun.

If it’s not going to be you, its going to be someone else. And that someone else could be their someone else.

Does this post satisfy you?