The List

I have caught myself making lists and I hate when I do it.  Why do I do it?  Insecurity.  I am not insecure because I think he doesn’t like me for who I am, but insecure because I do not know if I like him for who he is.

There are two different lists that girls make:
1.  At the beginning when she wants to check if he is date-able.
2. In the middle when she wants to check if he is marriage-able.

I like to call the date-able lists, “nervous lists” because these are the things you put on the list if you are not really sure if you want to date him.  These lists are bad because they are almost pre-judgements of someone that you barely know.  And even if you do know someone fairly well, it is different in dating context.  As you get to know someone you kind of like or like a lot, you start finding out little things about the other person that you also dislike and then start creating those lists of reasons not to like them or pursue them.  But that is what dating is for.  You date to find out more about the other person.  The little that you know may have a greater and deeper explanation for what you judged them for in the first place. — I am definitely fallable when it comes to these first lists, because part of me believes that if I am not sure about these certain things from the beginning, I may still be attached to these things later.  And to avoid the mess, I avoid the boy.

a boyfriend list

If date-able lists are not so great, marriage-able lists are worse.  Marriage-able lists are the, Ok, we’re doing this, now lets see what I can do to make him better.  What were small expecations at the beginning, have turned into either bigger expectations or changes you want to see in him.  Girls may claim they aren’t those girls that change a man, but most want man changers.   Some guys know when girls are holding lists of them, hoping that they wear better clothes, have bigger aspirations, more suitable manners, or be more romantic.  And some guys do change, but not necessarily because of your explicit suggestions.  Some guys change because you are a good influence and support to them and they see the change in themselves, but they change because they want to, not because you asked them to.  When you are in a relationship, compromises and sacrifices have to be made, but to be made together as a couple.

While some relationships falter, others thrive, regardless of the lists.  I guess one could say that it is necessary because without them, we would date anyone regardless of their standards, personality, or background.  Lists can sometimes help figure out what you want in a certain guy, which can be a good thing.

I still hate the lists, but every boy doesn’t have a list.  For boys I really like, there isn’t a list.